Last night took me back to my 3rd yaer in Beatty.How it was so unbearable at home that i lied to my mom almost everyday just so i dont have to go home early.

She and i got into a big fight last night.

I got into the Dean's list.I had really good grades last semester.My school is split into 4 colleges. College of Arts and Sciences, College of International Humanitarian Development S (something like that), College of Education and College of Business,Entrepreneurship and Accountancy.Taking psychology, i'm under the College of Arts and Sciences (CAS) and 23 of us, out of that whole college made it into the Dean's List.

I immediately texted my mom the 'good news' and she replied how proud she was and that i should keep it up.

Then come dinner time when we were eating together, she asked whether i was the highest, i said no,someone got higher than me. She was suprised.She went 'Oh,Miriam actually has intelligent students). I was starting to get pissed at that moment. I mean, just because we came from Singapore doesn't mean that everyone else is inferior to us.Sure the education back there is much better but it doesn't give her the right to give that sort of judgement.

No one has the right to judge anyone or anything.Who are we to judge?We are just mere people.The only one who has the right to judge and who should be the only one allowed to judge is our creator, GOD!

Anyway, then she asked how many of us made it into the list.I said 23 and she said 'oh,alot of people actually made it as a dean's lister'. Then she asked what was my position.I said '17th' and she commented - 'so you're actually one of the last in the group of intelligent people'.

(Disclaimer: i didnt quote her word per word.i just translated what she said from tagalog to english)

That hurt right then. It was as though she was disappointed in some way. Of course she was happy, i finally made it into the Dean's List but it's like it's not good enough to be in the 17th place. I have to be the top. It's like she expects so much from me that whatever i accomplished isnt good enough. That was a really low blow.

I admit i didnt try very hard not to keep a grudge in my heart towards her after that but i couldnt stop myself from the feeling not being able to reach your mom's standard.

What made me even more mad at my mom was how supportive and proud my dad was when he called me last night to congratulate me. I could tell my dad being proud of me was sincere,that he was honestly happy and proud of me.

I said there were 23 of us who made it and he said 'so what?I made it in.'

Why can't my mom be that supportive?

So when my mom started talking to me while i was using the computer, i couldnt keep the anger and irritation from my voice.I raised my voice one too many times and my mom just blew up.

Now?We're having a sort of war. I was packing for an out-of-town,overnight team building seminar for tomorrow. She tried to 'help'.

i was shaking with anger.LiterallyI wanted to tear everything and anything i had in my hands to keep my anger in.I'm not that dumb to lash out at my mom after being lashed at last night.

She kept saying- no, shouting- how i should have bought more clothes and shoes so that i won't have a hard time picking clothes to bring whenever i have an outing.

The problem is that i dont have any problems picking what to wear.But whatever i picked wasn't nice to ehr.She thinks it's old. She doesnt want me looking all ragged with old clothes.She thinks my friends are all dressed in beautiful and designer clothes or something just as fabulous.She thinks they dress nicely.She keeps saying how i don't know how to mix and match my clothes, how i was unfashionable,yadda yadda yadda.

The thing is,she doesnt know my friends arent that particular. I dont care what i wear. Just because you wear designher clothes,doesnt make u rich or any more or less of a person that who u really are.I wear what i like and am comfortable with. And i dont like shopping. I dont find any thrill in walking all day trying to find the perfect shoes. There are those moments that i'm inspired to go shopping but not often.

She was scolding me the whole time i was packing my bag. She ahd that stupid frown on her face.
i just wanted to shove my bag in her face and tell her to just pack it herself. My hands were trembling.

She told me that she would let me do my packing alone when i know how to dress properly.Until then,she wont leave me alone. She'll intervene or whatever.


I really really really really really really really really really really really really really really can't wait to leave tomorrow. I wont be home till Sunday.Hopefully,by then, i can let go of the anger and hurt. I was constantly praying to Lord while trying to pack. Thanks to Him, i didnt lose it.

I just want to get out of here.

I want to give up on her but my conscience won't allow me.And i have a friend who keeps reminding me not to cause it's not too late.

It's just too hard and too exhausting.

What if i want a gap between my mother and i?Does that mean i want a gap between God and me?








God, please give me the strength and courage to forgive my mom and to let go of the hurt and frustrations that i feel towards her.


I just want to get out, NOW!